Connie Lingus Advice Column

Dear Dr. Connie Lingus,

I recently retired to Liechtenstein although I try and get a medi-vac flight to Thailand whenever I can. Why would I retire to Liechtenstein you ask? Well when I read that the United Nations had recently voted Switzerland and Austria as the two most boring countries in the world, I naturally thought of both of them as quiet repositories of peace where I could spend my golden years. But not being able to make a choice between the two, I decided on Liechten- stein which sits in the mountains between them. Now what can be more boring than that ? Our little principality recently voted to give our hereditary Prince all powers to run our tiny state because we were so bored with our Parliament we thought at least the Prince would give us plenty to gossip about. (Sometimes his outfits are un peu overe ze top).

I am originally from Canada which was voted the third most boring country by the United Nations which brings up the reason I am writing. Sandwiched between two mountain ranges as we are in Liechtenstein, we often miss out on the news. So many things just seem to fly over the Alps seldom descending to our pristine little valley. I try and play catch up when I get to Thailand and read all the back issues of Thai Guys I have missed over the previous eight months.

So word of mouth is our normal way of communicating. The other day, I overheard a couple of elderly goat herders in our one and only gay bar, talking about the campaign which apparently everyone is really hot about, Iraqi weapons of ass destruction. And some crazy is so incensed, he is going to war over these weapons. What a size queen!! Now I must admit to an Arab interlude when I was working the rigs in Qatar. And I can testify to having experience with several of those weapons. But we must have missed something in the Alps. Is this really something to go to war over? Please help me to understand the outside world Dr. Connie. We get so little news here in Liechtenstein and at least Thai Guys seems to arrive on time although I suspect our postmistress has had a peek at my last issue, since the packaging looks re-glued and I have never known Thai Guys to paste stick-on photos of Suzie Size, buck naked, over the back flap of the envelop.

Sincerely,

Papa Mache

Dear Papa,

Dr. Connie was overjoyed to get your letter. This is the first letter we have ever received from a reader in Liechtenstein and we want to take this opportunity to convey our congratulations to your Prince and hope he honours his promises to get Liechtenstein’s fiscal house in order. And the enormous colour stamps were a welcome addition to Dr. Connie’s stamp album which had absolutely nothing under “Liechtenstein”. Dr. Connie has indeed heard these rumours of weapons of ass destruction and is extremely concerned as well. Not ever believing the powers that be, before the United Nations sent its search teams to Iraq to investigate, Dr. Connie embarked on her own personal visit to that poor ancient land. The topic was on everybody’s lips. And while Dr. Connie was in the field talking to a date farmer who was indicating his knowledge of where such a weapon was located, one of the UN search squads drove up and stopped just opposite where Dr. Connie was hiding behind a thick stand of papyrus with the date farmer, who incidentally had brought out his weapon. Dr. Connie let out a tiny squeal when she saw the farmer’s weapon. The survey team had disembarked from their vehicle by this time and hearing Dr. Connie’s yelp, they surveyed the papyrus. It was at this time that Dr. Connie realized the survey team to a man, looked like they had all met up with their own chosen weapons. Some of them displayed considerable difficulty walking. Dr. Hans was not on this team so Dr. Connie was unable to rush from the papyrus and personally congratulate him on his successful search. So she resumed her own research with the date farmer.

Research completed, Dr. Connie returned to Baghdad. Normally Thai Guys can’t send its star reporters on foreign assignment, but Dr. Connie was able to get the editor to buy her some very stylish Armani khaki wear and she footed her own air ticket on mileage points. Few airlines seem to have Baghdad on their routes these days and the tickets were an absolute giveaway. Dr Connie decided that her surest route to locating these weapons of ass destruction was to go straight to the Republican Guards headquarters without further ado. Several of the guardsmen were outside their barracks as Dr. Connie approached. She was wearing camouflage dungarees with a matching top and an over the shoulder crocodile bag from Yves St.Laurent which went surprisingly well with her Armani considering how the two hate each other. The guards looked restive. Some were scanning the skies overhead. Dr. Connie followed their gaze. Suddenly an drone (I think that’s what they call it, at least in Sunee Plaza) flew overheard dragging a enormous portrait of Saddam Hussein. Against the backdrop of the azure sky, he looked very sexy, but it was probably a picture of one of his doubles.

With a few artful ministrations involving a lot of tongue work, Dr. Connie was allowed into the Republican Guards barracks and delicately broached the subject of weapons of ass destruction. Every one of the new recruits (as they turned out to be) thought Dr. Connie was there to examine them and were amazingly cooperative. Maybe it was the stethoscope around her neck. It did add a certain savoir faire to her immaculate ensemble. Some of them giggled when the cold metal touched their tawny flesh.

On her return to Thailand, Dr. Connie was approached at the airport by two large white men with love handles, very dark glasses and enamelled flags on their lapels. They took her off to the room which is normally used to store lost luggage and gave her a very good search. They found Dr. Connie’s bottle of poppers and both took a sniff to identify its contents. Unfortunately as it turned out, they both had government-issue pacemakers and the inhalation of room deodorizer put their life support mechanisms in overdrive. Dr. Connie made a hasty exit as the two bounced around the floor of the storage room, foaming at the mouth, which was not a pretty sight. Anyway, Papa Mache, Dr. Connie is still not clear what all the fuss is over these weapons of ass destruction either. In spite of her in-field research. But she has heard a rumour since her return that the secret password is “pee yong yang” where she is sure a prominent contributor to Thai Guys, Durian Gray, is presently shacked up. Durian apparently met the man of his dreams, Kim Long Eel. Anyway, Dr. Connie sends her fondest regards to all her fans in Liechtenstein.