Patricia Highheels is a traitorous old cow!

The gay mails from and to Porto Seguro I

By Suzy Size, gay Porto Seguro

Look, your semi senile heroine Suzy Size still (sometimes) trusts the advice of old friends like good old Patricia Highheels (sometimes here abbreviated as PH (no D, of course)). This Zurich based anesthetist warmly recommended a visit in Porto Seguro (whilst in Brazil) last year. Her Brazilian boyfriend – who lives with her in Zurich – has a Pousada (guest house, Eduard, just in case you might mistakenly think of pussy which comes with two s…) in Porto Seguro (for the necessary details as always go to the Pink Pages of Sticky Rice Gay Guide Asia and Gay Guide World and click through to the only entry in that nice little town: Pousada da Casa Amarela).

There - Patricia in her sweetest tunes made the pulses of your naïve heroine jump 2 meters above ground - a benevolent lesbian manager of said Pousada had the only bar of Porto Seguro (save port) which was more or less a save heaven for the few lesbians AND some gay men in that otherwise family oriented Brazilian beach resort. If Suzy Size would ever go there, she could stay inexpensively at Casa Amarela (yellow house) and that lovely lesbian soul mate of Miss Size would introduce a talented young man (or two) to your heroine who would serve as a guide (during the hot days) and a companion (during the bitterly cold nights, if the air conditioning is turned on full blast).

Even before the route through Brazil was slightly sketched, Suzy Size had circled Porto Seguro as a save port with a thick red marker.

So before boarding the bus from heavenly Rio de Janeiro to expectedly even more heavenly or divine Porto Seguro (19hours, departure 20.15 hours), your benign heroine decanted a bottle of red wine into a plastic bottle which had formerly contained the most tasty mineral water (com gas). Thus your heroine was ideally preparing for a long lasting bacchanal, but - more down to earth - for a long, boring bus ride through the night. You must know, gay traveler to Brazil, not all bus companies in that fair land do allow alcohol on board their coaches, but water seems to be a human right. With that wine disguised as water - and a sleeping pill on top - your heroine arrived in no time in Porto Seguro. At the Rodoviaria she took a taxi to Casa Amarela (without asking the price) and was probably slightly cheated by the driver who wanted 15 Reais (9 $ US) which looked at first sight as nice as it does on their website. They have simple rooms with air conditioning, fan and fridge around a sizeable pool.

But, alas, the lesbian manager was missing! She had just left - for a visit to her beloved mother, your heroine thought. Suzy Size knows nearly nothing about lesbians and lesbianism (she likes hunks, as you by now must know, gay visitor to Brazil), but strongly suspects that those girls have the same affectionate relation to their mothers like us.

And then the internet was not working! There was a clear Wifi signal for that darn Casa to be found on the computer screen, but none of the staff had a clue about the password. They had no idea what Suzy wanted, but brought her an extension electric cable which was useless since the battery was fully charged. Your heroine made the sister – or girlfriend or whatever - of the lesbian manager (who sat in for her) call that mother loving lesbian somewhere out there in the Pampas over her cell phone and had her dictate the so secret entrance code to the connection to the world, it spelled: bemvindos (welcome).

Welcome, to Porto Seguro!

But, alas again, there was insult added to injury, when your heroine checked her new mails, there was that devastating news, from you, hated Patricia Highheels:

” Dearest Suzy,

I hope you like it in Porto Seguro. This morning Naldo told me (after I asked him), that Ana Claudia apparently has no companion / driver / guide or similar found for you. Apparently it was not possible to find someone suitable, who speaks English. I'm sorry, I've always assumed that it will work. The Brazilian way of saying things: "Ana Claudia will look ..." I did read as "... and she will find someone, or tell in due time, that she found no one." But obviously I did misunderstand my little darling once more...

Anyway, I'm sure you'll be able to look after yourself, dear.

It is advisable to visit Arrajal d'Ajuda. All you need to do, take the ferry across the river, and continue for approximately 8 minutes by bus or taxi to the city center. In the 70ties Arrajal was a hippy town, now it is a beautiful, almost too beautiful for my taste, (and expensive) tourist place, but well worth seeing.

Also worth seeing (but you would probably need a driver / guide), is the small village of Trancoso, 26km from Porto Seguro. However, there is also a bus there.

Impressive is the large square on a cliff, facing the sea. It is particularly beautiful there in the evening, to eat out in a restaurant al fresco, can be something very romantic. If you go there, you should definitely take a drink at the Pousada El Gordo. It is a luxury boutique hotel, built by a wealthy Spaniard. Very, very nice.... I have a good friend who still owes me an invitation, to stay there for a few days. I hope, I can do it one day.

If you want to go to the beaches whilst in Porto Seguro, you have to take a bus or taxi, because the beaches are a bit outside. For Brazilinas, going to the beaches is not as quiet a distraction as for us, but joy, excitement, food and dancing. Therefore, there are all along the beaches "entertainment centers", where everything is available: food, drink, dance, music. The best known are "ToaToa" or "Axé Moi". Maybe you should actually go there on a weekend. Particularly interesting are the "Lambaerobica" shows, where young cheer dancers on a stage get the party rolling. All this during the afternoon, in sweltering heat, so the dancing masses are regularly sprayed with cold water... The special feature is, that the dancers are all very, very sexy to watch, they are real see-food - and some of the dancers in the audience are worth watching too.

On the beach you can also sit back from the hustle and bustle, and as you will inevitably make one or the other pretty acquaintance. Everywhere there are lonely young men.... In Porto Seguro there is still no real gay scene, no gay bar or disco or something. So you have to make friends elsewhere. After all, the bar in the Pousada da Casa Amarela has become somewhat of a lesbian (...) and gay venue, maybe you will met somebody?

If you want to stay until Friday, then you must ask if there is party on “Ilho dos Aquarios”. This is an island off Porto Seguro, where once a week (sometimes even just every two weeks) a big party is held, with music, dance, drinks, food etc The island is quite large, and it offers something for everyone: Bossa Nova, Samba, Brazilian songs, Lambaerobica, and Western disco for the boys... The island has huge illuminated aquariums with sea fish, which explains the name. There is plenty to eat and drink.... You should not miss it.

Go and visit the old historic center of Porto Seguro (located on the cliff). It gives a good impression of the old colonial Portuguese village style. Old "Bahaianas" sell homemade chocolate. Not to be compared with Sprüngli in Zurich.... But, for me, it is some of the best I've ever nibbled.

So I hope you have a nice time in Porto Seguro, and you like it there.

Yours

Patricia Highheels”

Suzy went out to one of her first walks to get a first impression of the place – it was a very favorable impression: A nice little port town, maybe a bit touristy, maybe a bit too clean. But when she wanted to return to Casa Amarela for a second shower, your heroine got lost. She walked hither and dither, but she was lost and no taxi in sight. Normally your heroine is not bothered by such (quite frequently happening, old age, you know?) events on her World Gay Friendship Tour, she just goes on and on, stubborn like a donkey. The only problem was, she was suffering of a slight diarrhea and in those dark alleys (with those dangerous young unemployed men) there was no restaurant in sight where your heroine could find relieve in a bath room.

But then, when her pain was greatest, she suddenly stood in front of Casa Amarela and their wonderful and benign bathrooms and so your humble heroine did not shit in her pants.

Did Patricia Highheels do some guiding through the air?

One certainly cannot rule out such things in that Xandu, Xango, Voodoo country.

And – will you believe this, user of Sticky Rice Gay Guide Asia and Gay Guide World – exactly the same thing happened again that eventful night! Suzy had an excellent seafood risotto in Alcohol Alley (it really exists), and tried to find her way home afterwards, but she got badly lost again. Almost shit in her pants once again, till Patricia Highheels did her magic trick again.

The bar at Casa Amarela was just closing that Tuesday night and Suzy could not meet a helpful young man.

She slept badly too on the somewhat very soft bed.

And in the morning the kids of the school next door where a bit very noisy.

Just a humble suggestion, Patricia Highheels, a humble suggestion by a friend.

You, as an anesthetist, have access to tons of tranquilizers.

Could you not distribute some of them – maybe cleverly hidden in that so sweet Brazilian candy or the local Porto Seguro chocolate – to those terribly noisy kids?

Just a thought, it is all up to you, as you well know, dear.

Suzy, by the way, just turned around and slept some more.

Later that day, in the broad daylight, your heroine found Porto Seguro quite easy to walk in.

Her slight diarrhea had disappeared.

She found a convenient place to get rid of her dirty laundry (not her dirty mind).

Had a nice lunch at a lovely little restaurant at the port.

Your heroine just fell in love with Porto Seguro.

But the last straw that fixed the back of the camel was without doubt the juicy black bicycle man.

Thank thee, inspiring Patricia Highheels for your great suggestions!

Read all about those epochal events that now will take place in Porto Seguro next week, here, exclusively on Sticky Rice Gay Guide Asia and Gay Guide World. Meet that unique and certainly mysterious black bicycle man!