Dear Ms. Connie,

First of all let me thank you for the wonderful column you write every month. It is a real treat, a treat I am desperately looking forward to the whole month, actually counting the days until the next Sticky Rice comes out. Now cutting to the creme, let me come to my problem cum question.

I am a farang in at the end of my 30’s, not bad looking, very romantic, funny, caring, compassionate and love giving who has made Thailand home for the last years and hopefully until the end of my days. I sincerely like this country and her people; not only the nice men..Because I intend to spend the rest of my life here, I am looking for a serious relationship with a man of Thai, Asian or Mixed origin. As it will take time and effort to find this guy, I am now going through the stage of dating.

During the last several months I have made very good and close friends but have not found true love, yet. But that is OK as I have lots of time. There is one subject, however, that bothers me a little and I seek your advice and comments.

Looks of guys are not important to me, because I am more interested in character and personality of a person. Most of my friends are of the middle or upper middle class, non-gay scene guys, with a stable job and income in the range of 30-40,000 Baht monthly. After deduction of all my obligations (tax, rent, various insurances) my own disposable income is in the same range. That enables me to have a nice living here, but I am neither rich nor living a posh lifestyle and do not claim any of that. I am more the down to earth guy, but definitely not stingy. I like pampering my friends as much as I can, as long as I feel that they appreciate it and that I will get something in return.

Here starts the problem. Although I have just slightly more financial means then most of my friends, whenever we do something together, may it be having dinner, going to movies or sauna etc. or even going upcountry, it is I who end up paying for everything and for both of us, ALWAYS!

I do not mind to invite my friends from time to time but I think it should be on a sharing basis from time to time as well. I tried to make that point a few times in a rather direct way and it was met with a negative response and unhappiness on my friends’ side.

Miss Connie, could you please enlighten me. Is my feeling correct that most Thai people expect the farang to pay everything when they do something together? If so, why is that the case? And is there any polite way to let my friends know that it would be nice to share some of the costs we incur together? Or do you think I am overly sensitive on this issue?

Awaiting your valuable comments I remain

Yours Faithfully

Marc Bruenjes

Dear Mr. Bruenjes,

Ms. Connie was delighted to receive a letter from someone residing in her old stamping grounds in Ratchawat. Please give my regards to the ladies in the Ratchawat Market who used to find Ms. Connie’s attempts to get a special deal on their asparagus extremely hilarious. In fact much of Ms. Connie’s valuable experience in the art of bargaining in the floating market of Thailand, came from those old harpies that sit above you and keep an eye on their onions as if their entire life is going down the drain pipe if you get an extra carrot in your bunch. In many ways, you could learn a lot in answer to your questions by regarding the gleam that comes into the eye of those aged veggie sellers when they spy your pale farang skin wending its way past the banana peels and detritus of previous buyers to get to their stall.

“Ahah they say. I’ll make up for that Chinese bitch who just got a kilo of tomatoes for 25 baht by charging fifty to the farang. He won’t even know what hit him.”

Yes Ms.Connie sympathises completely with your dilemma. But as Ms.Connie says, when in Dusit, Do as the Dusitters Dooooo. There is no one better able to give you the answers you seek than the friends who let you fork out your baht when they are flush and you are squeaking by. Instead of asking Ms. Connie how you should get your little ingrate friends to spring for the Sangthip, why not ask one friend why the other one of your shared acquaintance never seems to feel the urge to pay his share. That person will immediately run to the skinflint in question and once that person realises that you are spreading it around that he is kee niao, (because there is nothing a Thai gay hates more than thinking his friends regard him as a real sticky little shit), you are guaranteed to be freed of anyone who is not independently wealthy when you go out together. Forward planning of outings with Thais is always recommended. If you are planning a trip upcountry, ask your companion to arrange the accommodation. If you pay for the bunks on the train, the least you can expect is a mat above the mother-in-law, in the hut upcountry. You describe yourself as down to earth. Well be yourself, Mein Herr. Thais want to be with you because you are who you are, a cute farang and don’t forget it. When they want to be free of your pesky presence, Ms. Connie guarantees you they won’t be inviting you along for the ride. So the least you should demand is a little compensation for your experience, wit and the glamour of being seen with you. A Thai friend of mine, when I described your problem said that if your Thai friends are working and making their own money, they should pay their own way. But the question arises, are you sure they’re working, really? Ms. Connie recalls inviting a young man she decided deserved a bit of support, to move in with her to her abode in Soi Lang Suan. Every day the young man, who once he’d moved in, became immediately D.I.B. (Dead In Bed), would don a white shirt and tie every day and head to work at a restaurant not far away. Silly Ms. Connie decided to drop in to the restaurant one day to check on her live-in and take him a bottle of cool water to refresh him during his break. When she asked the manager where Wichai was, the manager said he’d never heard of Wichai. Wichai returned home at midnight and when confronted broke down in tears and the next day disappeared with Ms. Connie’s ATM card. Somewhere in the course of the previous weeks, he had been able to see her secret number in one of her less effective flights to the cash machine. Not to say that your friends are out to fleece you. But there are many ways to accomplish the same thing.

They can sit and wait for the farang to let his guard drop, and actually zip in to extract money from his account, or they can be more subtle and disappear to the “hawng nam” when it’s “cheque bin” time. One of my Thai friends and I went to a movie called, “Piranha”. This was a movie about some of those nasty little fish from the Amazon escaping into the Florida Everglades from a hair salon’s aquarium and then eating anyone who went swimming. When we left the movie, Ms.Connie asked her Thai friend what he thought of the movie. He said, he really understood the fish. They did exactly same thing that Thais do to Farang. Of course he was joking. But never forget. A few little nips, and you don’t have what you came with. Keep your eyes open and watch what your Thai friends expect of each other. That is the only way to really learn the give and take of Thai society. You will be expected to pay. Sorry but that’s the name of the game. But if you are paying too much too often, you are being suckered. That’s as true in Luxembourg as it is in Nigeria as it is in Thailand. Don’t become one those mushies who think that everything is beautiful just as long as you pay. It ain’t. You are just being taken. Pure and simple and dat’s duh twooth.