Dear Ms. Connie

All of my expat acquaintances wax lyrical at your pearls of wisdom dispersed with tongue in cheek irony, firstly in Thai Guys and now in Sticky Rice. I would be most obliged as the font of information that you are, if you could elucidate a few points that have me confused. I now live in Pattaya having come here on holiday and stayed. I mean who wouldn’t, given the opportunity and my inquiring mind needs to get a grip on, if that’s the right term to use, what’s what on the sex scene here in wonderful Pattaya.

After dinner a few nights ago I passed a club with the tout outside saying, “Come inside, see the live show, we have Boys, LadyBoys and LadyGirls.” Of course I had to go in to satisfy my curiosity as to what was what or rather who was whom. I went back six nights in a row. The show was spectacular and I enjoyed myself so much I completely forgot to do the investigative bit, and came to no firm conclusions. It seems the Police closed the bar down shortly after my visit - the Party Poopers!

From what I can make out at the top of the tourist attraction list are the Bar Girls, or “Pole Polishers” which I think is a very derogatory title for such a diligent, happy bunch of pleasure givers.

There must be lesbians, someone told me they are called “Toms” but so far I haven’t been past any bars where the Lady touts are shouting “Come inside and see the live Lesbian show.” Apparently lesbians are more discreet than male gays tend to be. Much further down the list but still a great tourist attraction are the katoeys, once young men but now young ‘ladies’ having had the full works.

Though I have been reliably informed that some are in the limbo stage of metamorphosis and although they have the full works in the breasts department, they can also have even fuller nature given works in the lower regions which is sometimes a surprise to the uninitiated, not always a pleasant one! But they have a devoted following, though not amongst the gays I have been reliably informed. There are the young men who dress up as ladies, look quite glamorous, and act more like ladies than the real thing. But when the dress comes off they are male. Well they have male bodies, sort of, which again I have been reliably informed. Some of them have rather huge nature given tackle, and they too have a devoted following.

There are the openly gay young men who dress expensively and make a real effort to look good, though sometimes have weird hairdos, camp around, and when two or more are gathered together under the gay banner, act like screaming queens, and some have a whole bunch of farangs who finance further education, the building of a house in their home village etc, etc. The money most times not actually going towards what it was intended to go towards!

Then there are the young men who dress nicely, act like men, are very polite, are very handsome and are the ones whom a lot of gay farangs come here in the hopes of meeting. They seem to be in scarce supply, the really goodun’s being snapped up, cosseted, pampered and generously financed. They can turn out to be fiercely protective of their territory. Some might say lucky Thais. I say lucky farangs!

There also seem to be a lot of married Thai couples whose family business is entertaining the tourists, catering for every whim and fancy, Whatever it takes, they can supply, and double acts seem to be a great success with some farangs, perhaps that should read ménages, and are very professional at it. I must have missed out on some other groups, I am still in the learning mode. I find it much more fascinating than school lessons ever were.

Of course on most fronts financial reward seems to be the driving force, but I have been reliably informed if one can find someone from the minute percentage for whom money is not the prime driving force then one is one of the luckiest humans on this planet and truly blessed. Of course there are the usual piranhas who act like black widow spiders, luring their victims in with sexual bait, injecting the poor souls with a drug that renders them incapable of any sense, sucking them dry financially and abandoning the now useless zombies to their fate.

I have recently come across another cross section of Pattaya society, slightly more mature, though still young Thai men who are happily settled down with their affluent farang, are emotionally and financially secure, and are allowed by their partners on both sides to have ‘boys nights out’ whenever they want. They tend to migrate to a very nice bar in Soi VC where slightly more affluent older gays go. An added advantage is there are short time rooms available, though they can be found in hunting mode anywhere.

These Thais genuinely like sex with older farang. They are usually very handsome. No money for sex is involved and everyone is very happy!

What a wonderful part of the world to live in, no?

Your valued thoughts would be welcomed Ms. Connie, especially on any group that I have missed out on, that you with your vast experience here in Thailand might have picked up on, that I have failed to include.

Richard Walton

Dear Mr. Walton,

Ms. Connie is very glad you wrote so early in your resettlement. The questions you pose demand immediate attention. Otherwise we could have had another tragedy on our hands to spoil the season. Ms.Connie wonders how long you have been nursing all this info that you chose to get off your obviously ample chest in one fell swoop. And so dependent on reliable sources! Ms. Connie doesn’t really know where to begin. You are evidently a sexual anthropologist of note. Either that or German. Your attention to detail is remarkable.

First a word of caution. There are no reliable sources in Pattaya. Katoey are everywhere. Lesbians are non-existent. Most reliable sources are in it for self gain or too drunk to be counted on when your last paramour has stolen your jewels, and you need a shoulder to cry on or at least a loan to carry you over till the pension cheque arrives from your estate agent in Piccadilly.

Next, it is extremely unwise to be strolling the lanes of sin city seeking cultural nuance. When the colourful patois of the touts is so luridly vivid, nuance is not the word one should employ. “We have live show, ladyboy, ladygirl, ladylady,” has its quotable qualities but it hardly deserves much consideration. Is it said with an upward flourish? How does one scan it - iambic pentameter? Ms. Connie long ago gave up trying to fathom the unfathomable.

Regarding your query over sex change, true there are young men who begin life with an appendage that they have removed because of their genuine concern that it’s just too fucking small. Some indeed may be women trapped in men’s bodies. But there must also be some who see a good future lying on their backs having a big huffing puffer use their artificial vaginas for his own weird satisfaction away from wife and kiddies.

It is of no matter really. We can while away hours on the beach at Jomtien pondering these fascinating quandaries of la vie de sable sucking on lumps of papaya or reading Jackie Collins’ last investigation of Hollywooden life. Such is the joy of retirement from reality. Don’t give it a second thought.

Ms. Connie when she receives epic letters such as yours, tries to read between the lines, tries to visualise the writer, that fascinating creature who put fingers to keyboard and took the time from his hectic life settling into the soft cushiony folds of Pattaya life, to write to her and bare his soul. Does he attempt crème brulee in a microwave oven? What does Richard Walton do when the dinner is over and the young man says, 200 baht if you want me to stay the night? Do what Ms. Connie does, fluff up the pillow and tell him to take a hike?

Confusion is what keeps Pattaya going. As you observed, Mr. Walton the bar you went to in order to pursue your research for six successive nights was eventually closed by the police. A more apt question might be what kept those avaricious party poopers at bay for over a week?

If you are going to continue to love living in Pattaya, Ms. Connie recommends that you completely stop trying to figure things out. Abandonment of reason is one of the first requirements of anyone living here. The second is a cardinal rule which many of Ms. Connie’s readers continue to ignore: never under any circumstances fall in love and certainly, if you are fool enough to think you have, never put the title of your condo in your boyfriend’s name.

As for young Thai men who have been set up and allowed by their sponsor’s to go for “boy’s night out” in Soi VC, Ms. Connie admonishes all who might think of sampling the wares of such young habitues, even in short time rooms, especially if the elderly sampler is aware that there is a sugar daddy in the wings: Pattaya Sugar Daddies are notoriously vindictive. And spies are everywhere, especially in Soi VC. Because they have so much time on their hands and large disposable incomes from slum tenements they own in Tangier, they can employ hideous ruffians to make truly miserable the lives of anyone who might attempt to stray into their territory. Ms. Connie cannot stress strongly enough to anyone now resident in Pattaya, how necessary it is to be united against any interloper who might want to stir the hot waters of the artificial monogamy that is the bedrock of Pattaya gay society. “He’s my fan,” has absolutely no meaning when it comes down to it, except possession is nine tenths of the law even in an emotional quagmire like Pattaya.

No, Mr. Walton, Ms. Connie does not want to cool your ardour over the splendours of Pattaya life. She just suggests a necessary retreat to a forest wat in Surat Thani, to give some perspective. Once you have immersed yourself for a time in the splendours of karma, you will see that the questions you are posing require no answer. She recommends that you quickly establish yourself in a walled compound with a good security system. And never invite in young men who arrive at your gate on motorcycle taxis. She hopes that all of her advice has cleared up your confusion.