Dear Ms. Connie,

Recently a friend of mine suggested I go to Thailand because of the amazingly friendly, tantalizing young men that a man of my vintage can find there. Then another friend of mine said that because I am sixty years old, somewhat rotund, and short (many of my less than complimentary friends call me a Polish dumpling) I won’t have a hope in hell of finding anybody. It will be my first trip to Thailand. I am rather shy until I have a few drinks under my expanding belt. Then I am the life of the party. Unlike your previous inquirer, I do well in the bar scene. But because I am fat I worry that I will be sitting morose and just getting drunk and maudlin, sitting over my drinks and then in my usual fashion as is the case here in Tegucigalpa, where I work as a language teacher, end up making the wrong choices because I don’t have my controls in place. My other concern is size. Similarly, my friends say that if I am not happy here in Honduras, where the men are sometimes hung like stallions, I will definitely not be satisfied in Thailand where the young men, being Asians, are on the small size. I must admit that I do enjoy a man with a goodly amount of manmeat between his legs. I realize we are traipsing into areas which you may find difficult to render advice on, but I would appreciate knowing in advance whether there are young men who like the older, more fleshy form of foreigner. And is it true as my bitchier friends tell me, that even if I do find a young man who likes me and tickles my tastebuds, he will invariably be so tiny in that crucial aspect that I will go through all the effort, only to suffer a crushing letdown when the zipper goes down and the tiny thing goes up? Please Ms. Connie, settle my anxieties in advance before I head out to Thailand. I have difficulties getting connecting flights and must fly through Los Angeles from Honduras in order to voyage on to Bangkok, so I would appreciate whatever advance warnings you can provide before I commit myself to the arduous task of making my first trip to Thailand.

Yours truly,

Yuri Nateonmee

Dear Mr. Onmee,

Ms. Connie always replies to letters like yours by reminding her gentle readers that the only people she hates more than size queens are guys with little cocks. That said, she also wishes to clear up this eternal mystery which seems to be pervasive in the tearooms and comfort chambers of the West: that Thai men and Asians generally are almost universally smaller than their Caucasian or other racial brethren. Ms. Connie has of course not conducted more than a very cursory survey of the dimensions of the appendage we are discussing. She has had some experience pulling out her tape measure in restricted corners in an attempt to put a number to the long curving flesh sabre that is poking her in her left eye, because she is so overwhelmed by the size she just can’t believe it and wants to record it for posterity, and for her chosen circle of friends who delight in gathering every Friday to trade hunting stories. So, Monsieur Yuri, in Ms. Connie’s experience one can strike it lucky in Thailand as easily as one can strike out elsewhere. But Ms. Connie has developed a sixth sense when it comes to spying out these essential details. Yet even she, as practiced as she is, has had those egregiously unsettling experiences of getting home late at night, panting with pent up desire and finding the wad was really a dud. We have all gone through that sordid experience expecting that the muscle Mary we’ve just taken from the flea market off the Champs d’Elysees is hung like a chien chaud but turns out to be a saucisse Viennoise. Now Ms. Connie usually deals with the dilemma head on so to speak. If you are as you say you are Mr. Yuri, addicted to size and inevitably suicidal if the meat doesn’t meet the man, why beat around the bushette? Get immediatement to the meat of the matiere. Ask the poor lad “Koo-ay yai mai?” You can practice this on your flight over as long as you are not sitting next to a Thai. This should be preceded by pleasantries like “Would you like another drinkee poo? Are you a man or a pussycat? Etcetera, etcetera. But direct to the point inquiry is the only sure fire way to go. Then of course you may confront that problem which we all hate, the bane of all our existences, the liar.

Now to the more problematic issue of your size, it all depends on the position you assume when you are getting your knickers ripped off your amplitude. If you normally like your pudgy face driven into the pillow, then there are many young men in Thailand who will regard the reward of an ample pair of pink cupcakes perfect as a place to plant their bacon bazooka. If you are of the sort who like to see your ankles held aloft that too might be a position relished by the blue-veined custard chucker who takes you on. Age and chubbiness are not restrictions in Thailand generally. Often they are attributes sought after by the young men who love to stroke the roundness of your abdomen in sheer wonder at the wealth of your endowment, anticipating that it is reflected in your bulging change purse. But in answering such general questions, Ms. Connie must always keep in mind that ultimately it all depends on you Mr. Onme, whether you can refrain from becoming so drunk that you lose perspective and rather than becoming the life of the party, become just another bitter old queer who falls of his stool and has to be dragged to the front stoop because you’ve forgotten the way to your hotel. It is always wise when in a new environment to keep ones wits about one and Thailand is no different than Honduras in that regard. So please do come and spread your teaching bonus on the pleasures that are here for the asking. But as always be prepared to enter into the spirit of the place. The young men of Thailand love to party and have a good time. They will repay your generosity often with loyal and affectionate companionship throughout your visit. But as with anywhere it takes time to cultivate an appropriate relationship, even for a couple of weeks holiday. There are alternatives which involve men who are trained in the art of rapid satisfaction of a client’s inner most urges. But these often leave one pining for a more solid contact with whom one can share one’s bowl of Cheerios in the morning. There are no easy answers anywhere to the dilemma of the older corpulent male tourist seeking trustworthy companionship at the drop of an eyelash. The best way to find out quickly the lay of the land, is to seek out a fellow traveller of similar age and dimensions, who lives in Thailand and seek their recommendation on the selection of delectables who are looking longingly in your direction as they refresh their lip gloss. Bon appetit.