Dear Ms Connie:

Dear Ms. Connie,

I am about to embark on my first trip to Thailand. I am a rather shy person and do not do well in the bar scene. I am also somewhat corpulent (fat) and so I do not like going to saunas either. From discussions with my friends, I understand that most of the scene in Thailand is dominated by bars and saunas. I want to meet the type of Thai man who is just an average kind of guy. I would like someone who is a working type and wants to keep himself unobtrusive. In other words, I seek recommendations on places one could go which would not involve bills for drinks and or entrance fees to saunas.

Do Thai men frequent places like theatres and cruising areas like gay men do in the West? I have heard that there are such places in Bangkok, Pattaya and Chiang Mai where one can meet Thai men who are not really into the scene. One of my friends who has taken a course in Thai, told me that he knew of many places in the capital and other major towns where one could expect to meet young men without having to go through the ritual of drinks and pleasantries that ultimately end up going nowhere, except in my sad experience, forcing me to go home alone with less money in my wallet. Unfortunately this friend left for China to teach English and I have lost touch, so I am writing to you to inquire if you have some suggestions on places I could go to meet and chat up Thai men without having to go through bars and the stars that populate them.

I appreciate your column very much and find your observations on gay culture and survival tips for gay men in Thailand extremely helpful. So whatever efforts you can expend to answer my query and direct me to the right places would be very much appreciated.

Yours truly,

Ayor Dunettall

Brighton, United Kingdom

Dear Mr. Dunettall,

Thailand has intrigued sex researchers and sexual anthropologists for years because of the ambivalence of male sexuality in this kingdom of eternal mystery. It seems that foreigners after only a few weeks here can write major works on the universality of bisexuality among the men of Thailand. Although you say you are not someone who likes to go to the bars, you are missing an opportunity when you do travel to Thailand to meet and talk to fellow travelers in these places. While the bars in Bangkok, Pattaya and elsewhere may seem much more fluid in the availability of young men for the older foreigners who are plying them with drinks, these places also merit a visit for the wealth of information that someone such as yourself can gain, by sitting down and chatting up the regular foreigners who hang out in such places.

There are certainly many places a foreign visitor can meet gay Thai men that do not involve the bars. But as you may know if you have ever taken the time to use one of the ubiquitous international gay guides like Spartacus, which are now becoming so huge you need a separate carry on, for your tattered volume, changes in such locations happen overnight. As with so much in our gay world, much is evanescent. What is a cruisy overpass one day, was raided by the men in blue the week before you arrived and now is devoid of traffic even though Spartacus says it’s the surest way to meet men in Ascuncion. That amazingly cruisy soft porn theatre just off the Ginza has become an art house for festival favorites and your Japanese is so limited you sit through an entire screening of Gunga Din before realizing that something has changed in the place overnight and you wasted an evening. So even if you did get Ms. Connie to lavish recommendations on you of the inside tips she has access to, regarding such places you request in Bangkok, Pattaya and points north and south, she is not a total fool to stick her neck out so unnecessarily and get it chewed on because you took up her up on her suggestions and then found upon your arrival that the flavour of the month is no longer Peppermint Patty.

My suggestion is Mr. Dunnettall, to take a gander through Sticky Rice online and see the many fabulous venues which advertise there. Several of them are favoured congregation points for expatriates who have retired in Thailand or who make extended stays in the Land of Smiles when their own nations are living beneath a blanket of snow drifts. These gentlemen are resident experts on the choicest places to meet the real thing. They also can be relied on to relish the opportunity to regale the newly arrived acolyte with their boundless knowledge of the local scene, its possibilities and the necessary cautions.

Such experts are discernible using the following indicators. They seem to smile a lot at the young men who rush up to them and feign hissy fits when they walk in the door. Usually they have long given up on designer clothes and accept themselves as attractive for their intellect and wit. If they are prone to be ordering booze, it would be wise to seek them out as early in the evening as possible or you may have difficulty understanding the difference between claims which sound more like a big game safari in the Serengeti rather than recommendations on the best place to meet men. Above all seek out those who are similar to yourself. It is not a wise thing to cultivate conversation with a younger foreigner who believes himself to the best thing to have arrived in Thailand’s gay scene since chocolate ripple ice cream. Undoubtedly his recommendations will be self-serving and completely fallacious.

Yes, Mr. Dunnetall, there are myriad possibilities to be had in theatres, parks, skytrain stations and even hotel lobbies at twilight. But the surest way to find out what is the vogue of the moment is to seek out those who have expended more time than you may have as a casual visitor, on the inevitable trials and errors that these locations put one through. It should also be said, in conclusion, that while the language skills of young men in bars, often go no further than the wonderful possibilities in the question, What name you and hotel where you stay, young men in the more regular haunts are often intimidated by roving foreigners and it may be amaze you to know, some Thai men actually seek out other Thai men. Also there is the problem of the language. While passion knows no linguistic frontiers, it is always nice to know what the young man wants from you when he invites you to crawl into the culvert and spread your legs. Happy travels.